I was recently asked by a new
mother when her newborn would learn to soothe himself to sleep.
This is a common question in our culture, but it would have been
unthinkable until relatively recently in human history. For
thousands of generations, babies were carried all day until they
could crawl and all children slept next to their parents and
siblings at night; their cries received a quick response, and
their culture recognized their needs as natural and normal.
Mothers also had far more support from their friends and relatives
(The
Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff and Our
Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent
by Meredith F. Small have inspiring descriptions of more natural
life styles).
Today, mothers are often separated from their own parents and
siblings, and have fewer people to turn to when they feel tired,
ill, or simply in need of a break from child tending. Because of
this, a baby's legitimate needs like being carried, having cries
quickly attended to, and being nursed to sleep can feel
emotionally and physically overwhelming in our stressful world; it
is only natural that tired mothers wonder how to convince the baby
to meet their needs. To the baby, of course, nothing has
changed - his needs are the same as for all the Stone Age babies
whose needs for constant touching and reassurance were more easily
met. The problem is that modern mothers, in all their new
isolation, are still having Stone Age babies. "Mother's
helpers", support groups like the La Leche League, and
parenting counseling can all help to reduce isolation.
While a baby's natural needs cannot be forcibly changed without
traumatic effect, there are some things parents can try to make
life easier, that will help the baby with the transition from
waking to sleeping. Breastfeeding mothers should avoid foods and
other substances that enhance wakefulness, such as coffee,
caffeinated tea, colas, chocolate, certain herbs, and other
stimulants, as babies and toddlers are more sensitive to caffeine
than are adults. While most of the caffeine-containing foods
listed can make it difficult to fall asleep, the type of caffeine
in chocolate can bring about night-time waking, with difficulty
getting back to sleep. Nursing mothers can substitute a relaxing
substance that is safe for breastfeeding, such as chamomile tea1.
Establishing a bedtime ritual, such as a warm bath followed by
book reading (Goodnight Moon is relaxing, as the pictures
become gradually darker); soft music or singing, or a gentle
massage can also be very soothing. Parents should try as much as
possible to avoid stressful situations in the evening. Young
children are the "emotional barometers" in the family,
and can react to stress and excitement even if they are too young
to understand the causes of this. Parents should also avoid loud
noises and bright lights, especially close to bedtime. A dimmer
switch can be helpful in this transition - electric lights, with
their sudden shift from brightness to darkness are a new stimulus
for a Stone Age baby! Room-darkening window shades can help block
out morning sunlight. In a recent study, jasmine scent sprayed on
bedding was found to help subjects fall asleep more quickly and to
sleep more soundly. "Sleep talking" (talking softly to a
sleeping child)2 is another
helpful approach, during which a parent can ask the baby or child
for help, provide explanations of stressful situations, apologize
when needed, or simply express love to the child.
Finally, remember the Motherhood Mantra. "This too shall
pass," even when it feels like nothing will ever change. One
day every parent will look back on this period with a sweet
longing and an amazement that it went by so quickly! These early
years are an opportunity to enjoy a baby's love in all its purity.
Recommendations:
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