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Intervening on Behalf of
a Child in a Public Place
Part 2: What Can We Do?
By Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
She is adorable, with a mass of brown curls and
large blue eyes; she is about three. She has just learned about pockets.
She reaches out to take a small item from a shelf, and holds it over her
pocket. She studies the item for a moment, and then lets it fall into
her pocket. Plop! She gives a satisfied little laugh. She reaches into
her pocket to try this again. But this is inside a store, and the item
-- which costs a quarter -- has not been paid for.
Her father, standing nearby, has been watching
this incident with growing fury. Enraged, he rushes over to the little
girl, snatches the object from her hand, and shouts at her, "If you
ever steal something again, I'll break your fingers!". The horror
of this threat collides with her laughter, and she stands there,
cowering, silent, and afraid.
The scene just described is, unfortunately, not
fiction. It took place in a large department store in a medium-sized
city in Canada. Although this example may be extreme, it is not unique;
both physical and emotional abuses take place daily to many children in
our society. One does not need to venture out in public long before
hearing threats, impatient commands, statements of mistrust, and angry
words directed at children, and deaf ears turned to crying infants.
When abuse happens behind closed doors, it is
seldom apparent to others until it becomes severe and repetitive, or
physical or sexual abuse is discovered. But when it happens in public,
we have an opportunity to intervene. How, then, can we as observers
respond in a way that is helpful to both parent and child, when we
witness such abuse?
As none of us is a perfect parent, it may be most
helpful to consider what type of response we ourselves would prefer if
we were observed treating our children in a less than compassionate way.
From this perspective, the following pattern may be useful when
encountering such a situation in a public place:
1. We need to show empathy for the parent:
"It can really be challenging when children are little and still
learning about stores."
2. We might then share something of our own -- or
our child's -- experience: "I remember when I was four and my
parents saw me pick something up, but I didn't really understand about
stealing."
3. We should then empathize with the child:
"It must frighten you to see your father get so angry." We can
then add: "This is a nice toy. It must be hard for you to
have to leave it here."
4. Finally, we can offer a suggestion: "My
child finds it helpful to keep a wish list for things we can't buy yet.
You might find that helpful, too."
While it may be difficult to think of the perfect
response in the heat of the moment, the sheer act of standing up for the
child can have a significant impact on the child herself, even if the
intervention causes the parent to become angry or defensive. Many adults
in counseling sessions still remember vividly the one time that a
stranger stepped in on their behalf, and how much that meant -- that someone
cared, and that the child's feelings of fear, confusion, and anger
were understood and accepted.
We might consider responding as we would if we
were to come upon a close friend in a similar situation. We would assume
the best, assume that this situation was atypical and related to a
stressful time in the parent's life. The first step of expressing
empathy for the parent will maximize our chances of being heard, and
show the parent that we believe in his good intentions. This approach
offers us the best chance to avoid antagonizing the parent into further
abusive behavior.
Yet even if the parent does not respond to the
intervention in a fully positive way, it does not necessarily mean that
our message went unheard. In a quieter moment, he may remember and
reconsider what he was unable to accept at the time.
Intervention can be difficult, especially in a
society where there are taboos against commenting on a stranger's
parenting skills. For this reason, even those adults who recognize
abusive treatment and empathize with the child may choose to pass by in
silence. Unfortunately, walking past a distraught child also gives a
message. It tells the child that no one cares about her suffering, and
it implies to the parent that we approve of the parent's behavior.
Although the father in our story meant to give his
daughter a worthwhile moral lesson, his response to her is, ironically,
certain to lower her self-esteem and make actual theft a real
possibility. How could the little girl know that his words were only a
threat no sane person would carry out? She could not know, and until
someone speaks out on her behalf, she may never know.
Psychiatric case histories clearly show a direct
correlation between the amount of abuse and punishment suffered in
childhood and the degree of psychopathic behavior in later years:
today's psychopathic adults were yesterday's abused children. We cannot
take a time machine back to help yesterday's children, but we can help
the children of today to become responsible adults of tomorrow who will
treat their children with respect and empathy. We can "bear
witness" in public to the children. We can let them know we value
them, and that we do not believe they should be mistreated. If the
community does not make it clear that child abuse is unacceptable,
abusive practices will only continue from one generation to the next. If
we are careful to intervene in a way that shows empathy for the parent
as well, we have done the job we intended.
The little girl's fingers were not touched, but
her vision of the world she lives in will never be the same. Perhaps one
day, someone will come forth and speak out on her behalf -- and do so in
a way that her father can also hear the words.
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