| 1. A baby's
first attempts to communicate cannot be in words, but can only be
nonverbal. She cannot put happy feelings into words, but she can
smile. She cannot put sad or angry feelings into words, but she
can cry. If her smiles receive a response, but crying is ignored,
she can receive the harmful message that she is loved and cared
for only when she is happy. Children who continue to get
this message through the years cannot feel truly loved and fully
accepted.
2. If a child's attempts to
communicate sadness or anger are routinely ignored, he cannot
learn how to express those feelings in words. Crying must receive
an appropriate and positive response so that the child sees that all
of his feelings are accepted. If his feelings are not accepted,
and crying is ignored or punished, he receives the message that
sadness and anger are unacceptable, no matter how they are
expressed. It is impossible for a child to understand that
expression of sadness or anger might be accepted in appropriate
words once he is older and able to use those words. A child can
only communicate in ways available to him at a given time; a child
can only accomplish what he has had a chance to learn. Every child
is doing his best, according to his age, experience, and present
circumstances. It is surely unfair to punish a child for not doing
more than he can do!
3. A child who has been given the
message that her parents will only respond to her when she is
"good" will begin to hide "bad" behavior and
"bad" feelings from others, and even from herself. She
may become an adult who submerges "bad" emotions and is
unable to communicate the full range of human feelings. Indeed,
there are many adults who find it difficult to express anger,
sadness, or other "bad" feelings in an appropriate way. |
| 5. We are all
born knowing that each and every feeling we have is legitimate. We
gradually lose that belief if only our "good" side
brings a positive response. This is a tragedy, because it is only
when we fully accept ourselves and others, regardless of
mistakes, that we can have truly loving relationships. If we
are not fully loved and accepted in childhood, we may never learn
how that feels or how to communicate that acceptance to others, no
matter how much therapy or reading or thinking we may do. How much
easier our lives would be if we had simply received unconditional
love from birth!
6. Parents wondering whether to
respond to crying might give some thought to their own responses
in similar situations. Parents may consider it appropriate to
ignore a child's cries, yet feel intensely angry if their partner
ignores attempts to have a conversation. Many in our society seem
to believe that a person must be a certain age before he has the
right to be heard. Yet what age would that be? Infants and
children are not any less a person just because they are small and
helpless. If anything, the more helpless someone is, the more they
deserve to have our compassion. attention, and assistance.
7. If children are taught by example
that helpless persons deserve to be ignored, they can lose the
compassion for others that all humans are born with. If, as
helpless infants, their cries are ignored, they begin to believe
that this is the appropriate response to those who are weaker than
themselves, and that "might makes right". Without
compassion, the stage is set for later difficulties or even
violence. Those who wonder why a violent criminal had no
compassion for his victims need to consider where and when he lost
that compassion. Compassion is there at birth, and does not
disappear overnight. It is stolen, through unresponsive or
punitive treatment, drop by drop, until it is gone. Loss of
compassion is the greatest tragedy that can befall a child.
8. When a child learns by her
parents' example that it is appropriate to ignore a child's cries,
she will naturally treat her own child the same way, unless there
is some intervention from others. Inadequate parenting continues
through the generations until new experiences come about to change
this pattern. How much easier it is for a parent to have learned
in childhood how to treat his or her own child! Perhaps the cycle
of inadequate parenting can begin to change when bystanders no
longer walk past an anguished child without stopping to help. This
may be the first time the child has been given the message that
her feelings are legitimate and important, and this critical
message may be remembered later when she herself has a child.
9. Crying is a signal provided by
nature that is meant to disturb the parents so that the child's
needs will be met. Ignoring a child's cries is like ignoring the
warning signal of a smoke detector because we find it disturbing.
This signal is meant to disturb us so that we can attend to an
important matter. Only a deaf person would ignore a smoke
detector, yet many parents turn a deaf ear to a child's cries.
Crying, like the loud detector sound, is meant to capture our
attention so that we can attend to the important needs of the
child. It just makes no sense to think that nature would have
provided all children with a routinely used signal that serves no
good purpose.
10. Parents who respond only to
"good" behavior may believe they are training the child
to behave "better". Yet they themselves feel most like
cooperating with those who treat them with kindness. It is as
though children are seen as a different species, operating on
different principles of behavior. This makes no sense, because it
would be impossible to identify a moment when the child suddenly
changes to "adult" operating principles. The truth is
much simpler: children are human beings who behave on the same
principles as all other human beings. Like the rest of us, they
respond best to kindness, patience and understanding. Parents
wondering why a child is "misbehaving" might stop and
ask themselves this question: "Do I feel like cooperating
when someone treats me well, or when someone treats me the way I
have just treated my child?"
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