Please will you help me. I have a daughter of 9 who seems to be very insecure. She is very disruptive at school and throws temper tantrums and sulks when she does not get her own way. She has a problem making friends at school as she is very angry and tends to lash out at other children.

I have been told that I am at fault as I do not give her boundaries. She has now got to the point where she is messing in her pants. She is so embarrassed about this but does not seem able to control it. Please, I am desperate to help my little girl but do not know what to do.

Many thanks,

Jacki Lukan

Jan's reply:

Hi Jacki,

Thank you for visiting our site and for trying to find loving and effective ways to help your daughter.

My first advice is to disregard those who warn about boundaries. A child's "misbehavior" is only very, very seldom a case of too few boundaries. It is far more likely to be related to the child's anger over punishment and other frustrations. It really is true that "all children behave as well as they are treated"! This is a very simple principle, but in our complicated society, it can be - and often is - overlooked. We've just added an excerpt from my favorite parenting book, Raising Your Child, not by Force but by Love, which eloquently explains this principle.

School is inevitably frustrating for many children who do not fit into such a restrictive and unnatural environment. It can also be painful and difficult for a sensitive child to experience the kinds of mean-spirited behavior that can take place at even the best of schools. If you are in a position to consider homeschooling, please visit "Growing Without Schooling". If this is not a possibility, focussing on positive ways of relating to your daughter should also enable her to cope better with school problems.

For ideas on how to raise children in loving ways that bring about loving behavior in return, please see these replies in my advice column:

"Marshmallowing"

"Son disrespectful at school"

Also my article, "Children: Do We Get It?" and Naomi Aldort's articles on our site.